Friday, November 26, 2010

That's POSITIVELY MENTAL!

I'm introducing a new feature here on Artgirl Island...
That's POSITIVELY MENTAL!


Do you remember the ridiculous Saturday Night Live character, Ed Grimley?  He was supremely dorky, his belted pants pulled halfway up his chest, hair gelled into a little peak on his head, whose tagline was, "I think I'm going positively mental...I must say."


I love the word "mental".  It's somehow less alarming than "crazy" and because of its association with Ed Grimley, much funnier.  So now when I find myself (or others) being nutty, I can get my brain around it much easier by thinking, "That's positively mental".

Here's what I mean...

Weeks ago I bought a package of toilet paper...the eco-superior kind.  You know, the kind that makes you feel virtuous for purchasing it.  I remember thinking, "It isn't as soft and cushy as my usual brand, but it's "greener" so it will be worth it."

And Gentle Readers, I have been using it in my home, in both bathrooms, for several weeks now.  And you know what, I flippin' hate every single square of that pathetic excuse for toilet paper.  Is it possible to be LESS than 1-ply?  Because if it is, this stuff qualifies. 

It's so biodegradable that it disappears about 1 second into its use.  It is completely ineffective for its intended purpose.  To get any amount of measurable absorbancy, I have to wad up about 100 of the damn sheets and still...it instantly becomes a worthless mess.

And because it's .005 ply, the damn roll LASTS FOREVER.

So I've come to hate the stuff.  And yet...the rolls never seem to end, and even when they do, I have more in my cabinet.  Every time I head for the loo, I start cursing the pathetic nature of the toilet paper awaiting me.

So the MENTAL part?  THE FACT THAT I KEEP USING IT EVEN THOUGH I HATE IT.

I realized that in the middle of the night last night.  I woke up, thought about going to the bathroom and dreaded it because of the horrible toilet paper quietly hanging there, mocking me.  I realized at that moment, how POSITIVELY MENTAL it was to not throw the damn stuff in the trash can.

I admit I paused a few seconds to see if a crafty use for the stupid stuff came to mind...but when nothing did...I tossed it.  Then I stomped upstairs (didn't matter it was the middle of the night) and tossed the ones upstairs as well.  Then I found an old roll, the soft, cushy, absorbent, luxurious kind...and installed it in the roller.  Relief and memories of happier times flooded me as I used it.

So I'm airing my squalid little secret...I'd rather be dry then green.

Maybe I can buy some carbon credits to offset my impact on the environment.

But meanwhile, my life is decidedly less MENTAL.

Ahhh. 

Quite the improvement, I must say...

3 comments:

Julie | PhotoMura Images said...

Hilarious! Isn't it amazing how something as seemingly benign as tp can make us mental? But Ed Grimley may be on to something. His hairstyle is scarily similar to the faux-hawk the "kids" are wearing these days.

joyfulploys said...

Ha...I'd forgotten about Ed. Thinking about pants on the ground and then pants under the arms...doesn't take much to entertain me. Enjoyed your rant about the green TP...you tried.
Mary

Cindy Pestka said...

Faux hawks and badly-dressed dorksters...I'm grateful damn near every day I'm so easily entertained. And that my blog readers are, too!